Benjamin Tan, a black belt in Taekwando and a military history buff, had big dreams and aspirations but he felt his wings were clipped by society’s fears and misconceptions about autism.

Finding a job

Previously, I worked at a hotel for 3 years before I resigned and started working as a barista and server at Mercedes Benz Cafe.

I resigned because of the long working hours and stagnant pay. The hotel work was good until COVID-19 struck. Many of my colleagues were foreigners so they were unable to return to Singapore to work after they went back to their countries due to the restrictions.

Hence, I had to take on many people's jobs and the work became very tedious. But I persevered as I wanted to gain experience during the pandemic and also set an example to my peers. I wanted to encourage and show them that we can persevere through tough times.

However, I was given a bunch of assignments such as wiping many plates and cutleries, cleaning the whole place, and carrying heavy boxes, all by myself. I worked from 2pm to 12am but I did not get to leave by 12am. I had to clean and clear everything before leaving.

When I reached home, it was around 2am already and my mother had to stay up to wait for me as she was worried. I felt very bad about it.

After I quit, my mother suggested to me to take up a barista course since I started drinking coffee, especially cappuccino. However, I could only get the job through my mother’s friend’s recommendation.

My previous hotel job was also recommended by my course principal’s friend. It was hard for me to find a job even though I may be qualified like any other “normal” person.

Barista course

I tried coffee for the first time at a cafe at Expo about a few years ago. My favourite drink is cappuccino and I enjoy making it as a barista. I liked the coach from the barista course.

The coach was very nice and understanding. He was very patient with us as everyone has a different pace in learning especially in practicals. When we are in doubt he would revise with us. We learnt a lot from him, such as how to handle different coffee machines.

Childhood memories

I have many memories of trains. When I was about 4 years old, not too long after I was diagnosed with autism, my mother introduced me to Thomas the Tank Engine through my aunt`s suggestion. Because of this classic model train show and toy, I started to get interested in it! I wanted to read about it also!

My mum bought a simplified Thomas The Tank Engine storybook to read with me. From there, together with my speech therapy, I was able to pick up some words and started speaking. Before that, I hardly talked. It was very cool that I was finally able to fix a sentence, thanks to Thomas.

“Once, my mother brought me to Takashimaya as I told her I wanted to have a train model set. Something unexpected happened then. Near a tree display, a train suddenly popped off its track and fell right onto my feet! I was very shocked so I remembered it till this day.”

I also really liked the National Day Parade where I started to learn about colours. I would say “Oh look! It’s red, green, blue and purple!” and started listing all the colours. My father then shared with me the colours of the rainbow. My favourite colours are red and blue. I also enjoyed the mobile column where they introduced vehicles such as tanks, police cars and fire engines.

My love for history also started then. One of my favourite events would be the Bicentennial. Before the pandemic happened, in 2019, I actually learned that Singapore was not founded in 1819 but 700 years ago by a king named Sang Nila Utama.

He founded Temasek and named this island Singapura. I even learnt about Sir Stamford Raffles and how Singapore became part of British colonial rule. I also learnt about the First World War, the Sepoy Mutiny, the Second World War and the Japanese occupation.

My favourite chapter is the infamous Sook Ching massacre and the battle of Pasir Panjang Ridge. My father even brought me to the house in Pasir Panjang to view the Mark2 Lee-Enfield rifle he handled when he was in the National Cadet Corps.

Childhood dreams

I actually thought about being either a policeman or firefighter. I even wanted to be in the military. My parents exposed me to news such as 9/11 and the London attack.

Singapore is quite small and vulnerable to threats, especially terrorism. My father also taught me about radicalisation. Hence, I wanted to be a policeman or firefighter to protect our safety.

I also wanted to be a train driver, especially because I love the MRT system. I like the announcement of the door closing. As they are expanding the lines, I noticed the difference in the announcements.

For example, at Bishan, they would add “Alight at this station for Circle Line”. Newton also has a Downtown Line. It is so different from the one I knew when I was a child.

School days

I was from Kranji Primary School. We went for many outings such as the Dairy Farm when I was Primary 1. During Chinese New Year, we got to watch lion dance. We also had sports day on every national day. We had a gunny sack race and a spider race. I thought it was a miracle that I won myself a silver medal.

In secondary school, I was nominated for this special programme where I presented about World War Two in Europe to a visitor from Australia. I shared with her how the Blitzkrieg happened and how the Americans went into war because of Pearl Harbour.

She asked me if there were any Singaporeans who fought in the European war and I told her that there were two of them. One fought the Battle for Britain and the other one was Mr K.H. Tan.

Bullying

There were also some difficulties I faced in school. In primary school, the students did not know about my condition and thought that I was a bit odd and strange—like I was someone who came out of nowhere.

The most hurtful one was the bully from another class when I was in Primary 5. There was once he threw a plastic bag and chair behind me. I asked him what was wrong with him and he just threw his fist and hit my head.

It hurt so much and caused me to have vision problems and I could not walk properly as well. Luckily, one of my classmates ran to inform my form teacher. I was shivering when I was getting to the doctor.

There was another boy who would bring his friends and say hurtful things to me when I was just reading my own papers. After these ordeals, I just pretended nothing happened and went back to school but I still feel this emotional wound to this day.

In secondary school, there was a boy who was bigger than me who bullied me a lot. He kept on shouting at me and one time he kicked my pelvis. It was so painful, that I could not stand. One of my friends helped me out and brought me to the sickbay. The principal was very kind and took action and the boy was punished severely.

“If anyone bullies you, and it gets to the point where you cannot take it, please seek help. Don’t remain silent and do not handle it yourself! If you remain silent, things will only get worse. And do not be discouraged. ”

Parents, please be patient. Be aware and observe if your child is being bullied. If you can sense that he or she has been bullied, report immediately, either to the teachers or principal. If the bullying gets too severe, go to the relevant authorities for help.

Diagnosis

My mother shared with me that I have autism after I finished primary school. I asked her, “How did I get autism?”. She told me that it is either due to DNA or the environment however it is still a mystery.

So I did some research on what happened on my birthday. There was a haze when I was about to be born. My mother also told me my skin turned yellow (jaundice) after I was born a few days later.

I felt done. I felt like, “Why? Why? Why? Why? Why did I get this diagnosis?” or “How did I?” or more like “Why am I not normal?”. In a sense, I was disheartened. I even kept saying it was because of the haze to make myself feel better.

Challenges faced

First of all, I had trouble speaking and writing. Speaking was the hardest. Before I got to know Thomas the Tank Engine, I could not speak properly. I could only say one word.

My hands shivered and I could not write properly. I had to train my hands to get my handwriting proper. As I got older, it took years for me to get my handwriting correct.

It was also difficult when it came to learning stuff that was very hard to understand. A typical learner could get it in a few minutes. For me, it took quite a while to understand something that was very complicated. It is so alien to me like seeing Einstein stuff, like E=mc^2, those calculations would go floating above my head.

Although my knowledge of history and some events are pretty good, no one wants to employ people like me. If someone asked me “Who commanded the Japanese army that invaded Singapore?” People would say, “Oh, General Yamashita.” For me, I would say, “General Tomoyuki Yamashita, that is his full name.”

Also, I think if they employ autistic people, people like me, they can actually have better food safety. Because sometimes when I look at workers in the supermarket, they just stack and stack the goods, without even bothering to take a look at the expiry date.

If they employ autistic people, we will look at the expiry date and see which one is going to expire first and put that in front and place the latest one inside. Sometimes, normal people also do not bother to check the eggs. For me, or my autistic people, when we see a crack, we will put it aside. But I was rejected by supermarkets during my job applications.

“Sometimes people who shop in the grocery store just speculate. I do understand, but I also don’t understand. They said similar things back in the school days like, “Oh, this person is weird. He’s so strange. Why is he here?” And I felt like, “What’s wrong with society?””

Society kept saying we people are strange and weird. Some said we are like mentally ill people. Some of them said we are very poorly behaved. Then some told us to go to the hospital in Buangkok (IMH).

National Service

When I knew I was exempted from National Service (NS), it was very upsetting. I was willing to do it because I thought, “Okay, it's National Service. I have to defend my country, whatever she needs. Okay, whatever I learn, I will put it to use and do it when the time comes.”

So it was like I just had these thoughts for nothing. It was really saddening for me actually. I prepared for NS by taking swimming classes and learning Taekwondo, and I got a black belt.

During the interview, my parents and I also told the NS doctor to let me serve NS. But after all the medical tests, I was exempted because they think I should not do NS because of my condition. I was very down also that the Police Force and Civil Defence do not want me.

Support

One of the people who helped me the most is Mrs Rex from Kranji Primary School. She was very patient and caring. She was quite funny during lessons. She would also correct me on some occasions. She also taught me that “no pain, no gain”—which I only realised now what she meant then!

Another person would be Mr Ahmad from my secondary school. He used to teach us social studies. He was a very caring teacher and he was interested when I shared with him the history I learnt.

My mother is very patient. I think she went through a lot of hardship, as much as I did. She told me during her childhood years she had to help her mum and sister to care for their cousins. She did not have the luxury to go to the movies or shopping. Those were difficult times.

I guess she must have used that to help me develop into who I am today. Most of the time, she made me exposed to other things like eating apples, rice, vegetables and all types of meat. She did not want me to stick to one thing. Because she says if you stick to one thing, you will be stuck at that one thing forever. She also exposed me to new places.

Sometimes, I like this place, I just stick to it and she has to expose me to other places. As she said, I cannot stick to a place forever. I must go to other places otherwise I will not know about these places. People may ask me one day about that particular place, especially because I was in the hospitality sector.

My father also helped me. He knows I am interested in history and military stuff. So during his off days, he would bring me to visit historical sites, for example, Changi Chapel and Fort Siloso. We also have nature walks and hikes together, and swimming too!

Misconceptions

Looking forward

I wish that the government will have a housing estate or safe space for us, but not in a way where they segregate us. This is so that the autism community can meet each other and learn something different together.

I also wish that the government can educate and stop the stigma that autism is a mental illness as the stigma is still here to this day. So I really wish they could put a stop to this.

Benjamin Tan