Josh
Hi, my name is Josh, and I’m 29.
I studied at Singapore Polytechnic and read a diploma in Music and Audio Technology. I’m currently pursuing a part-time Bachelors in Digital Media and also working as an AV executive which involves the handling of equipment, installation of new equipment, as well as digital media. I also helped my church during the COVID period such as getting the services online.
I’m a big fan of music, and to this day I enjoy listening to music on Spotify as I work. I’m particularly a fan of pop, guitar-driven bands and heavy themes, and I’m certainly no stranger to Linkin Park. I enjoy anything with four wheels and recently during the pandemic, I got into skateboarding with my fiancée.
I’ve been gaming since I was young and love first-person shooters such as Counterstrike 1.6 source. I like to play to destress and it helps that there is increased accessibility of simulators out there like Assetto Corsa, Competizione, and Gran Turismo.
My ADHD Diagnosis
As a kid, my parents told me that I was really hyperactive—I ran around, shouted and made a ruckus wherever I went, banged and danced on tables during lessons. It got so disruptive to the point that I was referred to a specialist in Primary 3, and that was when I got diagnosed with ADHD. I was on long-term medication in varying doses for seven years. It was half a pill in Primary 3, and it became a pill a day. My parents would go, “here’s your meds.” I remember not liking how it made me feel, but I guess I didn’t know how to articulate how I felt at that time.
When I went to secondary school, it became quite apparent that I had trouble focusing in class, coupled with restlessness. Yet I realised that I had this ability to hyperfocus when it came to working on what I’m passionate about. I recall back in my school, when I was working on certain projects, I was like, “oh shoot, it’s 3am”. I could play the drums for hours. When I get into the zone, everything else fades into the background. I was able to really devote attention and emotional weight to some things I really cared about, and it came easily without medication. This hyperfocus is like a tool that I’ve learned to harness, and it’s what you do with your experience that makes it good or bad, or how you can leverage on to make it a strength.
In hindsight, what was the most obvious was how this experience felt so normal to me. I’ve never felt exactly different in any way from any other person. I’ll just deal with it as it comes. It wasn’t too much of a bother for me, perhaps for the person next to me. It wasn’t a condition which drew self-shame or consciousness, it was just something I lived with.
It's a part of who I am. I don’t see ADHD as a separate entity, but rather, as a part of my many idiosyncrasies. We just want to be seen as people, and treated equally. We don’t want to be talked down to.
We are just people, with different quirks. Ultimately, we just want to be given the due respect we give to others as well.
Younger Days
Growing up, I’ve loved gaming – the competitive aspect and the adrenaline. I can see how parents can be concerned when kids spend way too much time on games. That was how it was for me. The access to my computer was restricted to a window of time and it would automatically log off.
When I went to the polytechnic, I went off the rails. It was like something was repressed, and now that I have access to my own laptop, I could go and do whatever I want. My first year was terrible. I flunked 2 classes. My body began telling me that I needed sleep, so I’ll not be late for my class the next morning.
Gradually, I figured out how to control my impulses. Now that I have my career, part-time study, and my fiancée to think about, I guess the difference is figuring all that out by myself and deciding how much time I wanted to allocate to each of these things, rather than having external restrictions imposed on me.
I’ve also developed a sense of what my body needs at times—I’m not sure if it sounds weird, but sometimes you get the feeling that you need to go out of your room, take a walk and perhaps get a bubble tea. Of course, my more leisurely pursuits also add value to the rest of my life. Gaming benefits motor skills, and depending on the genre, it really gives you a sense of value and pursuit. For instance, for first-person shooters, there is a spirit of competition—rankings and even high stakes when playing against other strong opponents.
My Parents
My parents were quite liberal—they did limit my computer use, but they gave me the liberty to go and try the things I wanted as long as it was reasonable. They played a huge part in encouraging me to pursue my passions after polytechnic as well as those of my sister. My sister took a diploma in music, and I can only imagine the amount of courage they had to let us chase what we wanted to do. Both your kids want to be artists, how are you going to find your bread?
My parents left it to us to figure out what we really wanted, even if it meant that I wasn’t going to do a Bachelors’ Degree after Polytechnic but rather head straight into the workforce to cumulate work experience. Of course, it helped that in my industry, it is pretty driven by your contacts, skill set and experience, and less about paper qualifications.
My parents were very supportive, and they would encourage us to try things out first and check in if we are struggling from time to time. It helped immensely to have that open channel to talk about my insecurities with someone older and who is one step ahead of me.
Message to my younger self, other ADHD-ers and the public
Be comfortable in your own skin. There is no sense in changing who you are.
If you put up a front and get uncomfortable, it wouldn’t really make sense unless the social setting calls for it.
I don’t go around telling people that I have ADHD, not because I’m ashamed of it. It’s something that hasn’t come up, something I forgot I had, and something I live with and adapt to. It’s the same as being flat-footed or being left or right-handed. It’s arbitrary to discriminate against ADHDers and we should try to end it at home and in the public spheres.
There’s probably still a lot of stigma about ADHD with Asian parents or in Asian culture. Getting the public more educated and be less judgemental about ADHD and neurodiversity in general, will be a great place to start.
People cannot know what they are ill-informed about, and there is no way to discuss what people don’t know. So having more forms of expression could help a lot, such as having art exhibits demonstrating what dyslexia looks like.
