I came to Singapore in 2016 for my Masters in Analytics at NUS. I work at Standard Chartered Bank as an Associate Director, data analytics within the operations team.

Interests

I'm very inquisitive by nature and am interested in exploring mysteries. I don't really have a particular hobby that I have sustained for long. For the past year, I have started six different craft projects and haven't finished any! In the beginning, I would find it very interesting, but then I get bored and move on to something else. I used to read books related to mysteries and biographies.

I do love exploring different cultures or sub-cultures within India. I also recently started learning Korean. I started self-learning in 2014. I could read Hangul a bit, but I did not understand it. I halted that back then because I had to focus on studying at that time as I was preparing for my Graduate Record Examination (GRE). I picked up Korean again last December. I hope I can stick to it and at least reach the intermediate level.

Hopes & Dreams

Like any young kid, I had different dreams when I was growing up. I was quite tall compared to other girls around me. I’m 5’6 and I used to be very slender. So, I thought of becoming an air stewardess. In middle school, I thought of becoming a reporter. In 10th class, I became very interested in genetics, so I wanted to take up biotechnology.

I think I always knew what I didn’t want to do. I didn't want to become a high school teacher because it didn't pay much. When I was 11, my dad lost his job. We did not have that much money. It was a difficult time for us; two kids studying in Delhi private schools, and no income coming in. That experience taught me a life lesson. All I knew then was that I wanted to earn money. I didn’t want to depend on someone. That was my focus.

I wanted to support my family because I'm the eldest child. My father said, “Becoming a teacher is safe. It's a low income, but it's a steady one.” Yet I didn’t care about that. I didn't want to get stuck in a small place. I was feeling trapped, as if I have not reached my full potential. That's why I came to Singapore, where I am earning decently for the experience I have and when compared to my peers.

“I took a leap of faith and came here without much savings.”

I had to ask for help from a lot of people. I had to take a loan with high interest rates. It only paid for two semesters of my studies, and I had three semesters here. So, I did an internship to pay for my school fees. I applied for HP because it paid more than other internships at that time, at $2200 per month. I figured if I had that money for four or five months, I could pay for my third semester fees.

I also chose HP because I knew I stood a strong chance of getting the internship, because it was related to the work that I used to do. I knew the machines they were talking about, and I knew how they work. So, I had that confidence. If I did not get the HP internship back then, I would have settled for something else. I try to be flexible and go with whatever comes.

Underperforming in Exams

“I was never a hyperactive child, so I was generally in my teachers’ good books. Usually females with ADHD are not the hyperactive type. The hyperactivity shows more in their talking.”

I used to be very chatty. In all my report cards, teachers would always mention two things: “very talkative” and “can do better”. In school, I did okay until the exams came. I was considered one of the intelligent kids, but my test results were never convincing. They were just above average because I would make silly, careless mistakes.

My teacher used to say “this was something we could avoid”. I tried to practice a lot, so I wouldn’t miss out on anything. But at the end of the day, in a test setting, some thing just wouldn’t register in my brain and I would just miss it.

In my crucial exams in the 10th and 12th standard, I made silly mistakes like adding wrongly in Maths. I could have easily scored a high mark, but I didn’t. It was even worse in 12th class, we had a 12-day break between the previous exam and the Math exam. So I practiced a lot during that period. In the exam, we used to get about 15 to 20 minutes of reading time to just go through the questions and make a mental note of them.

I could mentally solve the entire paper and felt it was very simple. But as I was writing the paper, I got stuck on a 6-mark question for more than 20 minutes. I lost a lot of time there and when I realised the time, I was in complete panic and blanked out. I actually felt like tearing up the paper and running out of the classroom. But I tried to compose myself and told myself, “just do what you can.” So I completely messed up the paper and got around 77, when I was expecting to get 95 and above.

The same thing happened in my Masters exam, where there was a 10-mark question and I missed it completely. I just never saw that question when I was doing the paper. In fact, I rechecked my paper a couple of times and still didn’t see it. I actually finished the paper 10 minutes before everyone else and I was wondering, “Is the paper so lengthy or so difficult that everyone is still working on it?” It was on my way home that a friend called me and asked me how I approached that particular question. And I said, “What question?” That was the worst nightmare for me, missing out a 10-mark question in a 70-mark paper.

So even though I was quite a good student in normal classes, when it came to exams where you get evaluated, my results never showed that I was a good student. The worst time was during graduation. Every two weeks, we had exams. It was so difficult for me to catch up. I used to sit for 16 hours a day to study, and I still couldn't complete the whole syllabus. So in 4 semesters, I had to retake seven exams.

In my third year, I knew I had to clear all the exams since the companies were coming in to interview us for job placements. If you had any re-exams pending, you were not eligible for the interviews. So I felt like there was a sword hanging over my head - basically it’s now or never! That was my motivation.

My results also started improving as the subjects were more interesting to me in the third and the final year. I chose my subjects quite smartly in the last semester of my PG, selecting those that had continuous assessments instead of exams. That means you were evaluated throughout the process and not just during in an exam. This was a better fit for the way I learned, and the fact that I tend to under-perform in exams.

I still remember some bad experiences from school due to my difficulty with exams. I used to travel almost 3 hours to get to my university from my home. There were these kids who would just skip classes.

“Among them, there was a girl who said, “Shweta, we get more marks than you even though we don’t attend the classes.” I had no answer for them then, but that’s okay. When I got a job after graduation, I got better pay than the lady who said that. To me, that’s the best response I can give.”

Diagnosis

I found out that I had ADHD in 2020. How it started was that I had to go through a simple test in order to move on to a permanent role at my bank. I tried to focus and read through the material twice. I practiced but the moment I started the test, I didn't have the confidence, even though it was something I knew well as I performed those operations everyday. I made a mistake that was avoidable.

I was quite depressed, because I had an opportunity and I thought I lost it. I was feeling bad about it and cried a lot. Then, I searched the internet to find out why I experienced that. I felt there must be something wrong because every time I sit for a test, I just don’t have the confidence even when I know the content.

I read about test anxiety on the internet. I went to a psychologist, and she told me there is a chance that I could have dyslexia or ADHD or it was just my habit. I knew it could not be “my habit” because I have always tried so hard. My husband also has ADHD, and he was getting treatment already. He suggested that I go to the same doctor to get a diagnosis.

So, I went to the psychiatrist. He gave me some questionnaires and went through my childhood history, how I used to perform in class and what my teachers thought of me. Then he concluded that I do have ADHD, which gave me closure and helped me accept myself for who I am.

Now, I know that I am not stupid, I am just wired differently. This has really helped with my confidence. I now have the guts to say no, and put forward the reasons confidently.

When presenting to senior bosses, I have the confidence that I am the best person in the room to provide the solution, and that is why I am there.

Before my GMAT, I had to apply for accommodations for ADHD. So I had to see a psychologist for some testing. That was when I came to know how much my diagnosis is affecting my everyday life, especially my executive functioning. I did an IQ test and my IQ was 121, without medication. I was told that my executive functioning was just average, on the 50th percentile, while my cognitive processing was on the 99th percentile. There is a huge difference.

It meant that while I had good cognitive abilities, my planning and organization skills were weaker. The psychologist also gave me a written assessment where he asked me to write about my favourite place. I took 10 minutes. I could not get my thoughts aligned, so I just wrote randomly whatever came to mind. He said at the end of two days of testing, “I think we have enough evidence to support the fact that ADHD is affecting you.”

Finding My Way

In my current workplace, things have changed a lot after my diagnosis. Before that, I tried all those tracking apps, but they didn't help me. You have tracking apps, then you have another tracking app to track that tracking app. It’s a vicious cycle and you're tracking nothing at the end of the day. What works for me is I have a weekly catch-up with my boss, when I tell him what I'm doing, and what I have done. Every week I have a plan that I stick to, so that I don't procrastinate for long and I get the work done.

My boss had been quite supportive since I told him about my ADHD. I thought that he may not understand the issues I have, but I think he might have read about it. He asked me what kind of help I needed. So I told him, “I have been sitting on a certification process for very long. I need your help to put a deadline on it,” so he did. And so I completed the certification which I was sitting on for a year. I needed that motivation and accountability.

“The most important thing is motivation. You must have a factor that is big enough to move you. For me, it’s my career and my life.”

I don't want to give up on them, after I think about how procrastination is going to affect my pay raise or my bonus. When different tasks are coming in, I must prioritise. I started my GMAT preparation last October. It was supposed to be my wedding in January, so GMAT took a backseat. Then I lost momentum entirely. I think motivation could either be positive (like a reward), or a threat like you have a sword hanging over your head. For me, the latter works!

Lastly, I use my strengths to my advantage.

“I do find challenges quite intriguing. If you give me a challenge, I will focus on it and forget about the world. Things just fall into place.”

Puzzles get completed very quickly. In general I think it’s easy for people with ADHD to put themselves in the centre of a situation and get a 360 degree view of what’s happening. If I’m stuck while working on something, I try to share it with someone. And when we discuss the issue, my brain starts working faster. It gets into supercharged mode and then the problem is solved!

Advice for others with ADHD

I did not know earlier that I have ADHD. I did not even know there was something called ADHD. So I had to figure out some coping mechanisms along the way. I used to force myself to sit and study. When I couldn’t focus, I would move and do something else. Then, I come back and study again. So I did it in cycles so it wouldn’t get too boring. Although I didn’t study as much as I wanted, at least I was still progressing.

“Another piece of advice is that you shouldn’t compare yourself to your peers. I used to do it a lot. My self-motivation and self-respect were quite low until the day I was diagnosed.”

I was like, “I'm not good enough. I'm stupid. I'm an idiot.” I used to think that it's all luck and not my own hard work. Comparing yourself to others will hurt your own way of working and your overall mental health. Remember, you’re not sick. You're not stupid. It’s very important to let go of what others think of you.

You need to find some kind of motivation to keep yourself on track. For me, it’s about getting a better life. I fought all the way to get to a better place than where I was. I think that helped. Even though you have to work twice as hard as a neurotypical person, that’s something you have to deal with.

For people who think they might have ADHD, it's best to get it diagnosed by a psychologist or psychiatrist. Don’t be a “Google Doctor”. Go to a professional and get it certified. You might not even have ADHD. You might have some other issues.

“For kids with ADHD who are bullied, it’s essential for them to find a safe hub in their parents, or a confidante they can speak to about what is happening in school or anywhere.”

Sometimes, teachers are not aware of the condition. So, it's essential to speak to someone rather than just suffer. It’s really difficult for pre-teens and teens to just ignore bullies, because they want to be accepted. I think it's essential for parents to help their kids. If they think their child has ADHD or hear feedback from the teachers, parents should help them cope with the situation.

Misconceptions

A lot of people don't believe that I have ADHD when I tell them. Generally, to them, ADHD is jumping around and fidgeting. Actually I can sit in a meeting for two hours, but I can't mentally follow the meeting for even 5 minutes if it is boring. Some people seem to feel pity that I have these issues, which I don't like. I’m fine really, I’m not sick.

“For neurotypical people, there’s one suggestion: Don’t think of people with learning disabilities as somebody who lack something. It’s just that the way they work or think is different from you. It doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with them.”

People have different heights, so for people with ADHD, it's just a different type of brain wiring.

My parents also didn't know anything about ADHD. Mental health is still a stigma in India. To them, I was not giving my best all the time. That's how I thought that I was not giving my best. It was not a very healthy experience. You put a lot of unnecessary pressure on yourself. It’s important that parents seek professional advice if your child seems to be struggling, and not just assume that your child is not trying hard enough.

Hopes for Inclusion

My hope is that organisations can accept that neurodiverse people work differently. I think it's not easy for organisations that may think everyone would work in the same way, but that's not the case. This affects a neurodiverse person, especially during appraisals.

“Assess a person’s ability and strengths, and put them in projects where they can succeed. Because if they succeed, then you (the company) succeeds. For me, I find it difficult having hard timelines sometimes.”

It gets overwhelming and increases the chances of making mistakes. So it is better to be able to negotiate a reasonable timeline.

There needs to be flexibility in the workplace. Think about a neurodiverse person’s welfare, so that they feel confident in what they're doing, and they would stick with the organisation in the long-term. I think that's something that organisations must be open to, in order to fully tap the potential of neurodiverse people.

Shweta Sharma