Moonlake Lee, a former lawyer and community founder, struggled with job-hopping and relationships until she was diagnosed with ADHD. Read on to learn how she draws strength from her neurodivergence.

Moving across countries and industries

I moved around different countries and professions. Previously I studied journalism in the US and was a lawyer in Canada, before deciding to move to Singapore when my first child was six months old.

In Singapore, I entered the healthcare industry. I started doing consulting work with a group of medical doctors. I became CEO of a company comprising multiple medical and dental specialists for about a year and a half. Later on, I helped grow a multispecialty group dental practice into four clinics and a team of 15 specialists within eight years.

At around that time, my daughters were getting into trouble in school. So that was when I decided to take a break from the workforce to spend more time with my girls. I became an angel investor after that.

Reasons for starting Unlocking ADHD

I started Unlocking ADHD for three reasons—to share hope, address the gap in information and resources about ADHD and equalize access to treatment and management of the condition.

My daughter was diagnosed one year before me. She failed five out of eight subjects in Secondary 3. Yet, within three years after being diagnosed, she managed to put in a lot of hard work and was able to get into dental school in the UK.

I wanted to share that for those who are struggling, if they have the diagnosis and support, the future can change quite dramatically. The level of awareness about ADHD can also be improved. For instance, ADHD is not just a learning difference, there is more than that, for example the mental health element.

My younger days

I think everyone with ADHD presents differently.

When I was younger, I had a roller coaster ride with my academic records. I would usually do well enough in the major exams, to go to a good school or class, but in-between, I was barely hanging on. I think my biggest hiccup, academically, was probably my A-levels.

Because of expectations from others and myself, I was quite down when I received my results. I was fortunate that my Mum managed to put me through a transition school, that helped me to get back on my feet, restoring my self-esteem and confidence.

My struggles in adulthood

In adulthood, there were a couple of challenges, one of which was how I couldn’t stick to one industry or one job. I couldn’t figure out what to do, or who I was.

It’s not uncommon to see undiagnosed and unmanaged adult ADHD-ers who move around jobs a lot. Sometimes it’s not because they’re jumping off things and they end up getting fired from a job. They keep moving as they don’t have the coping mechanisms.

Dental practice group photo — *With the dental practice team*

The only job that I stayed the longest at was when I was working at a multi-specialty dental practice. Looking back, it was because the environment hit all the right buttons for me. No one day was the same. I was doing multiple things all the time. The variety was there, the engagement, the unpredictability, and also the interaction with people.

I was also struggling in my relationships. Sometimes ADHD can cause tension in a marriage. There will be times when my husband and I are having an intense conversation. Then I can get distracted by something that is completely irrelevant and even trivial, so he might feel disrespected.

One of the biggest surprises and benefits of my ADHD diagnosis was being able to improve my relationships because of the increased compassion and understanding of the situation. Many marriages or relationships may have been saved if people had this knowledge and knew how to approach it.

My ADHD diagnosis

When I was diagnosed with ADHD, I was a little bit bemused. I’m probably borderline or on the milder side.

“I started to accept and embrace my ADHD; I felt liberated.”

With acceptance, it puts a lot of the past into context. It frees you to move forward. That is powerful, really powerful.

There might be some triggers that the ADHD partner has in the relationship that will trigger the other person, but it always takes two hands to clap. So there is always a healthier way to engage a partner. That’s why I have been trying to do more work in this area as I think it is impactful and important work. When both sides understand, they can move forward in a stronger position.

My boosters—Faith, dogs, friends and supportive parents

The number one thing for me is my faith. My Mum had put me in Sunday school when I was nine. She wanted me to develop a faith foundation, which helped a lot during a turbulent childhood.

My dog played a part as well. I recommend having pets as part of therapy. Having good friends also really helps because there’s someone to listen and to share with you. I also used to journal.

There is a genetic link for ADHD. I was diagnosed with ADHD after my daughter was diagnosed. If a child has ADHD, chances are very high that one or both parents may have ADHD.

My strengths

There are a lot of strengths of those with ADHD that many do not know about.

One of which is energy. My husband complains that I am the Energizer Bunny. I can actually get a lot of things done more than most people. The drawback is that I sometimes don’t have a brake. The energy is a strength if harnessed in a productive, healthy way.

The second strength is creativity. It could be creativity in out of the box thinking. I think that’s what powered Unlocking ADHD. People with ADHD can be very passionate once they are engaged.

The other strength is resilience. This is because there are so many ups and downs in our lives, disappointments, challenges that you have to overcome or learn to overcome.

ADHD is actually a spectrum type disorder. There is a range of presentations—whether in terms of severity, IQ levels and environmental factors. Because of that, at one end of the spectrum, there are people who are twice exceptional. That means they are gifted, in terms of IQ, or sports or arts, but they also have a learning issue, such as ADHD and dyslexia.

Kary Mullis is an example of a famous person with ADHD. He is a Nobel Prize winner and a scientist. He is the one who invented PCR testing and changed the world as we know it now. Many ADHD-ers tend to be entrepreneurs as well, such as Ingvar Kamprad of IKEA and Richard Branson of the Virgin Group.

We are trying to evoke local heroes here so that there is more inspiration. We want to share that in the right circumstances, people can excel. Everyone has strengths. The more you do what you are strong at, the more confident you will be.

“So I think that it is important that we have a more positive way of framing things—rather than just focusing on deficiencies.”

We are unlocking an ambitious mission to live life to the fullest. We want to empower people with the mindset that while they may not be able to change their biological makeup, they can change their response. Once they change their response, their outcome can change.

To parents with ADHD kids

When my daughter was diagnosed, I felt a huge sense of relief. Because at least you have a name, on what has been bothering the whole family for years. It helped open up avenues in getting support.

For families affected by something like ADHD, it’s actually very important for the parent, to be involved and take the time to learn about it. This is not to be outsourced. I think looking back at my life, this was one of the most important things that I did. I’m glad that I did take that time.

There are occasions that you have to make difficult decisions that aren’t always welcome by the child, even yourself. But because of the strength of the relationship and the open communication, at least the difficult things can get done.

A lot of people of the same generation I spoke with only found out about their ADHD after their child was diagnosed. If we don’t know that ADHD is involved, then we’ll say that our child is just naughtier. For undiagnosed unregulated parents, the chance of being able to help and manage the child is very low.

“I like to use the analogy of air flight safety video when the oxygen mask falls—you put it on the adult first before you put it on the child.”

In the same way, if parents could be more self-aware that if the child is having some issues and has been a diagnosis, then they could also reflect whether there’s a possibility that one or both of them may have ADHD.

In a family, when one child has ADHD and one doesn’t, there tends to be a lot of focus on the one who has. That’s a real issue. The sibling without ADHD inevitably feels left out; may act up to get more attention, or go the opposite direction and be very well behaved (but resentful). There may also be detachment or disengagement from the other sibling, and that also may not be healthy.

Completing a marathon — *At the Standard Chartered Marathon*

As parents, we need to make sure that we convey verbally through actions, how much we love and appreciate the non-ADHD child and also get the other sibling to learn more about ADHD.

It is important to be very open about ADHD. We let it be in our everyday conversation. It’s a much healthier way to deal with it and to normalise it, rather than skirt around it.

I do know of families where they do not tell the kid that he or she has ADHD. And what happens one day when the child discovers this? How will the kids think of themselves? Would there be trust issues? The family dynamics are different, so it’s hard to say.

I recently received a text message from someone who just had her son diagnosed with ADHD, and she was devasted. ADHD is not a cancer. So I think it is our own reaction, our own misconceptions, or whatever we bring to it sometimes that we need to manage. It is important to really have an open mind to learn more, so that we know what we can do to support.

The local schooling system

In Singapore, the schooling system is very rigorous, and we are grateful for that. The discipline, the structure, the exposure is fantastic. However, every kid is wired differently.

So those who do struggle with some of the things that are expected of typical students are likely to get in trouble in school. If the teachers are not aware about ADHD, what it looks like and how to support it, then it can be quite a negative spiral downwards if the child is not going to get the support needed.

My daughter used to get into trouble all the time in school. She would forget to bring things to school. She would forget to write things down so she had no idea what the homework was. One of the issues with executive functioning is not being able to start on a task, not being able to persist at it, and not being able to finish it.

So sometimes ADHD kids do the work, and they just forget the last bit. It seems so obvious but that is an issue. So again, being able to know this and be patient with it is key.

What organisations can do better

I think there really needs to be more discussions with groups like ours to create more understanding about what ADHD is and what it is not. And how to identify people who may have ADHD. They need some support. And the support doesn’t have to be something very expensive or involved. It can be very simple.

Hopes and dreams for the future

Receiving the Singapore:40-over-40. Inspiring Women award — *Receiving the Singapore:40-over-40 award*

We are applying for charity status for Unlocking ADHD. We want to be able to provide services for more people, and we also want to give people a chance to volunteer for this, because we believe that volunteering is part of therapy for ADHD.

Individuals are able to connect with something that gives them a sense of purpose. Beyond being a charity, the other thing that we would like to do is to roll out more services, more awareness, and more programs so that people can understand what ADHD is. If they suspect that they have ADHD, they should go for a diagnosis.

One of my dreams is to make diagnosis more accessible to people as this is one of the biggest pain points that we are having.

Moonlake Lee